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Preface: During college my buddy Sam and I would play catch because we like being outdoors while getting a minimal amount of exercise. While playing the aforementioned catch we came up with this scenario. While playing catch we often talk about our efforts to ruin the grass on which we stand while playing catch. Our efforts to this point have been unsuccessful. To hasten our destruction of the environment Sam said we should just get a shovel and dig up the grass to expose the dirt and eventual mud hole. I replied that that dirt could be the start of our latest venture, The Dirt Exchange.
The Dirt Exchange (heretofore referred to as TDE because The Dirt Exchange is too long to write) a company that would buy, sell, and trade dirt. When you build a house you usually need to purchase dirt to fill in for either landscaping purposes or to simply fill in around your house. We came up with the idea during the housing bubble so at the time this seemed like a good idea.
At first we would start out with only the high quality stuff. You know what I’m talking about, that sexy black dirt that just crumbles in your hand. We would set a ten percent markup on the dirt, this would almost ensure that our quality dirt would sell for less than our competitors dirt of the same crumbleness. Ten percent may not seem like a lot, but hey, where are our costs? We just need a bunch of land to store the dirt on, some trucks to haul it around (definitely would be a delivery fee though) and a phone for people to call us on. For a period of time, it would be good. We would swim in our profits build up a good name that people trust and start edging out our competition. However, things cannot be good forever.
Just about the time we started to solidify ourselves in the market with our high quality dirt at low prices we would get an unsuspecting call from some devious individuals. Organized crime has it’s hand in everything, so why not TDE? They come to us with an offer to supply our dirt at a much lower price than what we currently pay no questions asked. So now we can charge the same price for our dirt (because we have built up a trusted brand name in the dirt industry, if such a thing is possible) and make a much larger profit. Of course since the new dirt we’re selling is undoubtedly of a lower quality it will hurt our name, but only so much. Plus, we like money.
Our customers would become unsatisfied with the quality of dirt we’re providing to them. But hey, there are no refunds, because once the dirt is down it's in there. So they’re stuck with it. Sam and I will start to get suspicious of the dirt we’re buying from the mafia when we detect small bits of glass in it. So we take random samples of the dirt to a lab to be analyzed. It turns out that most of the dirt is composed of glass, rubber, aluminum, plastic, iron oxide, leather, vinyl, and other various metal alloys. All of this easily leads us (at least me) to the conclusion that the mafia is grinding up “hot” cars and putting them into the dirt they’re giving to us. Why they would grind up cars instead of taking them to a chop shop is beyond me. But hey they're organized crime and they got into the dirt business - they can't be the smartest crime syndicate around. We have become unsuspecting partners in crime. We don’t tell anyone because we're afraid of the idiot mafia, who knows how they'd try to off us? So everything continues on like it has been for months until Sam discovers something in the latest dirt shipment.
Sam finds a human tooth. Now there are things that we’d be willing partners in, but laundering dead people by means of turning them into soil is just not one of them (apparently we don't like money that much). So we confront the mafia and tell them that we don’t want anymore of their dirty dirt, we were going to go back to nice clean crumbly dirt. Well of course the mafia doesn’t like this, they had a great laundering system in TDE and we’re telling them no more. So the mafia did what they do best. Having suspected that we were keen on their operation they offed us. The cops found Sam’s and my dead body in a shallow grave just on the outskirts of town. In a last act of cruel irony the mafia covered our dead bodies in our own glass filled dirt.
Thus is the story of TDE. It is also why Sam and I will never start up a company that buys, sells, and trades dirt. The only natural conclusion to such a venture is large sums of money, low quality dirt, and death by retard mafia.
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The Dirt Exchange
